Stickman-X-
//Jono10-1 Most Wanky Metal Bands
Okay, so let’s talk about some true METAL! *rawring and manliness continues* Right, so, now to the important bit: how incredibly wanky some of these metal bands are. I know they all say, “We don’t take ourselves seriously.” Right, sure…you can say that; doesn’t change the fact that you’re still a bellend.
So, here we’ve got Ten to One most wanky bands.
*drum roll*
#10 goes to:
Slayer.
Ok, ok don’t shoot me yet. I can take a little slayer. But the fact that their singer claims to be a practicing Catholic yet his band puts out an album called God Hates Us All, with the lead song being God Hates Us All. Bit hypocritical much? Anyways, I always found their presentation just a little too aggravating and although I concede, Kerry King is an awesome guitarist, they still earn themselves 10th place.
#9 – Cradle Of Filth
As much as it greaves me to say this (Cradle being one of my much loved metal bands), Cradle Of Filth are one of the most wanky metal bands ever. The only reason they aren’t up at #5 is because musically their actually rather good. Their image however cost them this time. Just take a look at the picture and video… need I say more.
Don’t get me wrong, I love cradle. Especially in their more poetic songs such as Nymphetamine, Her Ghost In The Fog and Swansong For A Raven. However any band who films a movie called Cradle Of Fear which is simply an excuse to play your own music and kill people in horrifically violent ways, cannot expect to get off this list anytime soon. I’m hoping that they redeem themselves however with their upcoming album Godspeed On The Devils Thunder.
#8 – Divine Heresy
Musically these guys aren’t that bad. In appearance, they look just like another metal band. In fact they are just another metal band. What gets them 8th place you ask? Because it was Divine Heresy who, when asking the crowed to split for a “wall of death” at Soundwave Sydney, uttered the line “lets split this up like a cunt”. Sorry boys, but that is the worst thing you can say. Not that I find it overly offensive, but it’s just not funny. You’re making yourself look like more of a bellend now by saying that, than you were when you stood there screaming, rather badly into the microphone. (Vocals live are MUCH worse than on record)
#7 Slipknot / Mushroom Head
Slipknot:
Mushroomhead:
I put these two together because their so similar in appearance and musical line up, although their music differs greatly which I’m rather glad of as I like both bands very much. However one thing that I cannot escape is the wanky presentation of themselves. Neither are making claims to be the devil incarnate, neither are burning churches, however both wear masks and play in a somewhat shock-oriented metal band.
Slipknot are, and will be one of my favourite bands but that doesn’t change the fact that they sometimes look like a bunch of bellends on parade.
Mushroom Head are just as good (Apart from their last album which licked balls quite bad. The sound quality was appalling) but no less wanky in their identical jumpsuits and all wearing “doomish” masks.
#6 – Strapping Young Lad
Although I have recently come to appreciate some of the guitar work by Strapping Young Lad, I’m still glad to see them at #6. What’s their offence? Army print cargo shorts, hideous facial hair and once again stereotypical “metal hair”. Oh and did I mention the tyrannical poses they pull in photo shoots and constant gritting of teeth in videos.
#5 – Morbid Angel
WANKERS, WANKERS, WANKERS!! I don’t think I can stress how incredibly old, boring and un-entertaining their image is. If I could count above ten, I would attempt to count the number of pentagrams on their bands MySpace site. However I can’t count so you’ll just have to believe me that it was more than anyone, even those professing to Satanism, should display. Oh, and did I mention the singer, David Vincent, was detained in Italy on weapons charges. Customs picked him up for the bullet belt he had in his checked-in luggage. HAHAH!! Even his apparel was too wanky for customs. LULZ!!
#4 – Mortification
I have had the misfortune of seeing these guys live and well... I was appalled. I simply cannot believe they are big in anyway what-so-ever. So what, they have been around for 30 years. That doesn’t make them good. Hell, I can kick a soccer ball for 30 years. Doesn’t mean I will ever be good at soccer. The same goes for their music. Oh, and their image… did I mention they’re a Christian Metal band… a Christian Metal band which leans very heavily on the genre of Black/Doom Metal.
Yes, there’s an interesting paradox for you. I know, I know. There is a genre for Blackened Christian Metal…but come on. Any band which fits into that category has cock-smack written all over them.
#3 – Avenged Sevenfold
Oh my God! Don’t get me started on these tosspots. Who changes their name to Mr Shadows, Synyster Gates and Zacky Vengence. There is absolutely no excuse for these fag-sticks. On top of their pathetic stage names, their music generally sucks and only serves to aggravate me to the point I wish to tear my own ear drums out (I don’t even no if that’s possible….but I will find a way)
#2 – Gorgoroth
Wow! I often wonder if they realise how pathetic they are. Everything about them screams fuckstain. Their music, their cloths, their vocals and most of all their face paint which is becoming very tiresome at best. As a friend of mine put it “They look like Kiss, but sound like a wicked witch gargling semen.”
The constant portrayal of the band being Satanists is very tiresome and annoying. During a show in Poland, 2004, the band gained a lot of media attention and caused great controversy after displaying on stage sheep’s heads on pikes, satanic symbols everywhere (Oh look, they’re at it again…WE GET IT! You’re Satanists. Give up already), eighty litres of sheep’s blood as well as four naked models, crucified on stage. Now this may seem a riot to some, but not to animal rights activists and certainly not to the Polish police who confiscated all footage of the show. The band was never charged with any offences (religious and for cruelty against animals) as they argued that they didn’t know they were breaking any polish laws. LULZ!! Yep, nice one….
And now for wankiest metal band ever.....
Cannibal Corpse!
And here we have it, the pinnacle of wankiness: Cannibal Corpse. What can I say… every song on their albums astounds me. I certainly hope they are simply out for a reaction, especially with titles like “Severed Head Stoning”, “Frantic Disembowelment”, “Nothing Left To Mutilate” and “Blunt Force Castration”.
These titles are only off their Wretched Spawn album. So let’s do some maths here. If there’s at least four unforgivably wanky song titles on one album and they have made 10 albums. That makes some 40 unforgivably wanky songs all up. Let’s not get started on the “simply bad” song titles, I’ll be here all month. I don’t think I saw one sensible or meaningful song name in all of their ten albums.
So, moving on to why they are wanky, if you haven’t already got that yourself. Cannibal Corpse are the main offenders of bad Death Metal imagery. Their lyrical content is appalling to the point of hilarity, their singer sounds like someone trying to rape a cat and is feeding the sound through a vox box, the guitars and drums are boring and uninteresting so much that one would be forgiven for thinking that every single song consisted of the same riff played over and over again. And as if that isn’t enough….they named their band Cannibal Corpse. I mean, come on, that’s not even inventive…..it’s just trashy, wanky and pathetic.
The Chasers rendition of Cannibal Corpse:
One band who didn’t make the cut here is Burzum, the one man project of Varge Vikernes, a Norwegian Black Metal muscician who was also for a time the bass player for the band Mayhem. The same band who made necklaces out of the remaining pieces of skull from the corpse of their singer Per Yngve Ohlin (aka Dead....kind of ironic isnt it lol) after he shot himself in a house owned by the band in April 1991.

Varge gained infamy in 1993 for the murder of Mayhem bandmate Euronymous and was implemented in the burning of several churches within Norway, one of which took place on Christmas eve 1992 (both offenses accumulated in jail sentence of 21 years)
Ten years latter, still serving a prison sentence in Norway, Varge escaped only to be picked up latter in a stolen Volvo with a large arsenal of weapons including AG3 automatic rifle, a handgun, large knives, a gas mask, camouflage clothing, a laptop, a compass, a GPS, various maps and a fake passport.
See If he wasn’t such a bell, all he would have taken was knives….. “big fuck-off shiny ones. Ones that look like they could skin a crocodile.” Then he would have been home free.
So, here we’ve got Ten to One most wanky bands.
*drum roll*
#10 goes to:
Slayer.
#9 – Cradle Of Filth
Don’t get me wrong, I love cradle. Especially in their more poetic songs such as Nymphetamine, Her Ghost In The Fog and Swansong For A Raven. However any band who films a movie called Cradle Of Fear which is simply an excuse to play your own music and kill people in horrifically violent ways, cannot expect to get off this list anytime soon. I’m hoping that they redeem themselves however with their upcoming album Godspeed On The Devils Thunder.
#8 – Divine Heresy
Musically these guys aren’t that bad. In appearance, they look just like another metal band. In fact they are just another metal band. What gets them 8th place you ask? Because it was Divine Heresy who, when asking the crowed to split for a “wall of death” at Soundwave Sydney, uttered the line “lets split this up like a cunt”. Sorry boys, but that is the worst thing you can say. Not that I find it overly offensive, but it’s just not funny. You’re making yourself look like more of a bellend now by saying that, than you were when you stood there screaming, rather badly into the microphone. (Vocals live are MUCH worse than on record)
#7 Slipknot / Mushroom Head
Slipknot:
Mushroomhead:
I put these two together because their so similar in appearance and musical line up, although their music differs greatly which I’m rather glad of as I like both bands very much. However one thing that I cannot escape is the wanky presentation of themselves. Neither are making claims to be the devil incarnate, neither are burning churches, however both wear masks and play in a somewhat shock-oriented metal band.
Slipknot are, and will be one of my favourite bands but that doesn’t change the fact that they sometimes look like a bunch of bellends on parade.
Mushroom Head are just as good (Apart from their last album which licked balls quite bad. The sound quality was appalling) but no less wanky in their identical jumpsuits and all wearing “doomish” masks.
#6 – Strapping Young Lad
Although I have recently come to appreciate some of the guitar work by Strapping Young Lad, I’m still glad to see them at #6. What’s their offence? Army print cargo shorts, hideous facial hair and once again stereotypical “metal hair”. Oh and did I mention the tyrannical poses they pull in photo shoots and constant gritting of teeth in videos.
#5 – Morbid Angel
WANKERS, WANKERS, WANKERS!! I don’t think I can stress how incredibly old, boring and un-entertaining their image is. If I could count above ten, I would attempt to count the number of pentagrams on their bands MySpace site. However I can’t count so you’ll just have to believe me that it was more than anyone, even those professing to Satanism, should display. Oh, and did I mention the singer, David Vincent, was detained in Italy on weapons charges. Customs picked him up for the bullet belt he had in his checked-in luggage. HAHAH!! Even his apparel was too wanky for customs. LULZ!!
#4 – Mortification
I have had the misfortune of seeing these guys live and well... I was appalled. I simply cannot believe they are big in anyway what-so-ever. So what, they have been around for 30 years. That doesn’t make them good. Hell, I can kick a soccer ball for 30 years. Doesn’t mean I will ever be good at soccer. The same goes for their music. Oh, and their image… did I mention they’re a Christian Metal band… a Christian Metal band which leans very heavily on the genre of Black/Doom Metal.
Yes, there’s an interesting paradox for you. I know, I know. There is a genre for Blackened Christian Metal…but come on. Any band which fits into that category has cock-smack written all over them.
#3 – Avenged Sevenfold
Oh my God! Don’t get me started on these tosspots. Who changes their name to Mr Shadows, Synyster Gates and Zacky Vengence. There is absolutely no excuse for these fag-sticks. On top of their pathetic stage names, their music generally sucks and only serves to aggravate me to the point I wish to tear my own ear drums out (I don’t even no if that’s possible….but I will find a way)
#2 – Gorgoroth
Wow! I often wonder if they realise how pathetic they are. Everything about them screams fuckstain. Their music, their cloths, their vocals and most of all their face paint which is becoming very tiresome at best. As a friend of mine put it “They look like Kiss, but sound like a wicked witch gargling semen.”
The constant portrayal of the band being Satanists is very tiresome and annoying. During a show in Poland, 2004, the band gained a lot of media attention and caused great controversy after displaying on stage sheep’s heads on pikes, satanic symbols everywhere (Oh look, they’re at it again…WE GET IT! You’re Satanists. Give up already), eighty litres of sheep’s blood as well as four naked models, crucified on stage. Now this may seem a riot to some, but not to animal rights activists and certainly not to the Polish police who confiscated all footage of the show. The band was never charged with any offences (religious and for cruelty against animals) as they argued that they didn’t know they were breaking any polish laws. LULZ!! Yep, nice one….
And now for wankiest metal band ever.....
Cannibal Corpse!
And here we have it, the pinnacle of wankiness: Cannibal Corpse. What can I say… every song on their albums astounds me. I certainly hope they are simply out for a reaction, especially with titles like “Severed Head Stoning”, “Frantic Disembowelment”, “Nothing Left To Mutilate” and “Blunt Force Castration”.
These titles are only off their Wretched Spawn album. So let’s do some maths here. If there’s at least four unforgivably wanky song titles on one album and they have made 10 albums. That makes some 40 unforgivably wanky songs all up. Let’s not get started on the “simply bad” song titles, I’ll be here all month. I don’t think I saw one sensible or meaningful song name in all of their ten albums.
So, moving on to why they are wanky, if you haven’t already got that yourself. Cannibal Corpse are the main offenders of bad Death Metal imagery. Their lyrical content is appalling to the point of hilarity, their singer sounds like someone trying to rape a cat and is feeding the sound through a vox box, the guitars and drums are boring and uninteresting so much that one would be forgiven for thinking that every single song consisted of the same riff played over and over again. And as if that isn’t enough….they named their band Cannibal Corpse. I mean, come on, that’s not even inventive…..it’s just trashy, wanky and pathetic.
The Chasers rendition of Cannibal Corpse:
One band who didn’t make the cut here is Burzum, the one man project of Varge Vikernes, a Norwegian Black Metal muscician who was also for a time the bass player for the band Mayhem. The same band who made necklaces out of the remaining pieces of skull from the corpse of their singer Per Yngve Ohlin (aka Dead....kind of ironic isnt it lol) after he shot himself in a house owned by the band in April 1991.

Varge gained infamy in 1993 for the murder of Mayhem bandmate Euronymous and was implemented in the burning of several churches within Norway, one of which took place on Christmas eve 1992 (both offenses accumulated in jail sentence of 21 years)
Ten years latter, still serving a prison sentence in Norway, Varge escaped only to be picked up latter in a stolen Volvo with a large arsenal of weapons including AG3 automatic rifle, a handgun, large knives, a gas mask, camouflage clothing, a laptop, a compass, a GPS, various maps and a fake passport.
See If he wasn’t such a bell, all he would have taken was knives….. “big fuck-off shiny ones. Ones that look like they could skin a crocodile.” Then he would have been home free.
This entertained me no end. You're really quite good at the snark, O brother of mine.